One of the worst feelings I've ever experienced is when I give a friend a link to my blog and then read my blog for myself. I start to see posts that I've written with that friend in mind and it gets super awkward for me, although generally the friend will never notice.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Ohh noooo
Things I hope:
- I'm not becoming a douchebag
- I'm not becoming too emotional
- I'm not being super mood-swingy
- I'm being rational
- My friends don't thing too poorly of me
- My friends like me as much as their behaviour may suggest
- My friends don't think I'm any of points 1 to 3
- I become wiser.
- I stop sounding so corny.
- Really.
Metacognition
It's pretty irksome and amusing when I have a sudden urge to type out some stuff about feelings, but then simultaneously understand how silly/trivial it is. Go Me!
Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!
I'm writing this at 1:45 in the morning while this feeling lasts so I can make a decent emotion filled and stupid post without too much effort. This, my friends, is a short article on the feelings of loneliness.
Just as a preface, I wouldn't consider myself to be a overly needy type of person (though other people very well may have opposing opinions). I don't really mind being alone, but being with friends or just any sort of company (whether it be randoms on the street or on the internet) is just so much better that it makes being alone appear negative. To illustrate this point better, if these two states - alone and accompanied - were put on a scale of 10, alone would be approximately 5 and accompanied would be at around 15 (0 being the lowest - something to detest).
I had plenty of experience being alone as a kid. I don't think I actually had any friends until seventh grade (apparently a common thing for boys...) apart from grades 1 to 3. At one point, I recall vividly having a water bottle tied to a string as a friend and I would fondly drag it around as I tottered around the schoolyard (I also remember being quite disappointed when a teacher had me throw it away because "it would be classified as a weapon". Ohhh booiii). This deficit of friends probably wasn't helped by the fact that my school was heavily sports orientated and I played a lot of video games. Basic maths - 1+0 = 1. No one else played PC games. I had no friends. Well, the other reason is that I just wasn't that sociable. I just didn't mind it and existed in my own realm of things until... uh oh....I met some friends.
I'm not really sure what happened, but I know that I'm not overly proud of the years that followed 6th grade. Essentially, I met some friends and became super duper clingy. Maybe you don't understand how clingy I was. Super Duper. SUPER DUPER CLINGY. It was horrendous. Every time I think of those years, I imagine my eyes bleeding out and my liver being eaten by cat made of silly string. Ehhhuuggg..... What's worse is that my "best friend" was a massive bully to me. I didn't really realize it but in 6th grade, I had entered my first "abusive relationship". I'd get abused, maybe cry, definitely feel bad, think about it for ages, decide to ignore it because "he's my friend". Huh, eat shit ya dickless scum. *What? Who said that?* (Ok, to be honest, it's a bad practice to just insult people online just cos they probably won't see it. It's pretty silly.)
At some point, I stopped being this guy's friend and I again, meander off on my own business. But now it was more difficult enjoying being alone. I had just had a good taste of what it felt like to have friends. They were something that cared for you (if things worked out) and you cared for (which is fun....). It's a nice feeling to have friends, I figured. In addition to this (wow, it's 2:06), I had hit puberty and massive rush of hormones triggered my biologically primitive behavior to seek out companions to assist me on my conquests (biologically speaking, females, realistically speaking, nothing). I began to amass my clansmen (HUEHUEHEUEHEUHEUHEH). Friend group seems like a more suitable term.
Yadayadaya moving on...
Anyway the point is, I get to really enjoy having friends. I mean, I would regularly (hmm...almost daily) have 12 hour Skype calls with some friend(s) cuz it's just nice to have someone accompany you. I'm the "alpha" of my friend group (heh, no bragging) but the downside of being the driving force of the group is that you become extraordinarily reliant on these people that you have invested so much effort, time and emotion into. I'm not entirely sure if this is standard, but it's what I've done so....yeah.... I get really used to having company.
Now, this is the shitty 'look I'm a misunderstood teenager part'. Totally understand if you look down upon me with disdain cos to be honest, I don't really know or understand what I'm typing about at the moment.
I'm on a Skype call with some friends. We're having fun, playing some multiplayer games, but it's getting late and it's probably a good idea to sleep.
"Goodnight~!"
"Night!"
"XXXxxXXXxxXXXxxxXXXxxxxxxxXXXxxx" (translation: goodnight)
(Disclaimer: I feel like a whiny bitch)
(Second disclaimer: I'd draw you a picture of what I look like as a whiny bitch, but it'd be blank cos in the picture, I'd be hiding because of what a loser I am)
Boop-
Call ends.
There's no sound of friend's voice or crappy microphone hash.
No contact.
Oh boi, looks like you're alone!
I sit back into my chair in my room which is pitch black bar the light coming from the computer screen.
Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!
Feels like a whole bunch of energy being drawn away from you. A rush of emptiness and then you're like "this sucks". All in a second, you regret the call ending and hope that there was someone there that you could say "hello" to and then receive a response. This all lasts about three minutes. For three minutes, you become one of the greatest poets in the world.
Oh boi. So whiny
I'm not really sure what to say about the Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack (ASLA). It's a really strange feeling that you know is totally irrational. In general, it's just a feeling of isolation and a hint of sadness mixed with nostalgia. It's like a crappy recipe for noodle soup that you thought of that one time and then it turned out horrible because you beat the egg so much it separated from the water. For the moment, I'm blaming it on the hormones (mood swings, yo). I really hope I don't grow up to become this sort of person.
Just as a preface, I wouldn't consider myself to be a overly needy type of person (though other people very well may have opposing opinions). I don't really mind being alone, but being with friends or just any sort of company (whether it be randoms on the street or on the internet) is just so much better that it makes being alone appear negative. To illustrate this point better, if these two states - alone and accompanied - were put on a scale of 10, alone would be approximately 5 and accompanied would be at around 15 (0 being the lowest - something to detest).
I had plenty of experience being alone as a kid. I don't think I actually had any friends until seventh grade (apparently a common thing for boys...) apart from grades 1 to 3. At one point, I recall vividly having a water bottle tied to a string as a friend and I would fondly drag it around as I tottered around the schoolyard (I also remember being quite disappointed when a teacher had me throw it away because "it would be classified as a weapon". Ohhh booiii). This deficit of friends probably wasn't helped by the fact that my school was heavily sports orientated and I played a lot of video games. Basic maths - 1+0 = 1. No one else played PC games. I had no friends. Well, the other reason is that I just wasn't that sociable. I just didn't mind it and existed in my own realm of things until... uh oh....I met some friends.
I'm not really sure what happened, but I know that I'm not overly proud of the years that followed 6th grade. Essentially, I met some friends and became super duper clingy. Maybe you don't understand how clingy I was. Super Duper. SUPER DUPER CLINGY. It was horrendous. Every time I think of those years, I imagine my eyes bleeding out and my liver being eaten by cat made of silly string. Ehhhuuggg..... What's worse is that my "best friend" was a massive bully to me. I didn't really realize it but in 6th grade, I had entered my first "abusive relationship". I'd get abused, maybe cry, definitely feel bad, think about it for ages, decide to ignore it because "he's my friend". Huh, eat shit ya dickless scum. *What? Who said that?* (Ok, to be honest, it's a bad practice to just insult people online just cos they probably won't see it. It's pretty silly.)
At some point, I stopped being this guy's friend and I again, meander off on my own business. But now it was more difficult enjoying being alone. I had just had a good taste of what it felt like to have friends. They were something that cared for you (if things worked out) and you cared for (which is fun....). It's a nice feeling to have friends, I figured. In addition to this (wow, it's 2:06), I had hit puberty and massive rush of hormones triggered my biologically primitive behavior to seek out companions to assist me on my conquests (biologically speaking, females, realistically speaking, nothing). I began to amass my clansmen (HUEHUEHEUEHEUHEUHEH). Friend group seems like a more suitable term.
Yadayadaya moving on...
Anyway the point is, I get to really enjoy having friends. I mean, I would regularly (hmm...almost daily) have 12 hour Skype calls with some friend(s) cuz it's just nice to have someone accompany you. I'm the "alpha" of my friend group (heh, no bragging) but the downside of being the driving force of the group is that you become extraordinarily reliant on these people that you have invested so much effort, time and emotion into. I'm not entirely sure if this is standard, but it's what I've done so....yeah.... I get really used to having company.
Now, this is the shitty 'look I'm a misunderstood teenager part'. Totally understand if you look down upon me with disdain cos to be honest, I don't really know or understand what I'm typing about at the moment.
I'm on a Skype call with some friends. We're having fun, playing some multiplayer games, but it's getting late and it's probably a good idea to sleep.
"Goodnight~!"
"Night!"
"XXXxxXXXxxXXXxxxXXXxxxxxxxXXXxxx" (translation: goodnight)
(Disclaimer: I feel like a whiny bitch)
(Second disclaimer: I'd draw you a picture of what I look like as a whiny bitch, but it'd be blank cos in the picture, I'd be hiding because of what a loser I am)
Boop-
Call ends.
There's no sound of friend's voice or crappy microphone hash.
No contact.
Oh boi, looks like you're alone!
I sit back into my chair in my room which is pitch black bar the light coming from the computer screen.
Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!
Feels like a whole bunch of energy being drawn away from you. A rush of emptiness and then you're like "this sucks". All in a second, you regret the call ending and hope that there was someone there that you could say "hello" to and then receive a response. This all lasts about three minutes. For three minutes, you become one of the greatest poets in the world.
Oh boi. So whiny
I'm not really sure what to say about the Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack (ASLA). It's a really strange feeling that you know is totally irrational. In general, it's just a feeling of isolation and a hint of sadness mixed with nostalgia. It's like a crappy recipe for noodle soup that you thought of that one time and then it turned out horrible because you beat the egg so much it separated from the water. For the moment, I'm blaming it on the hormones (mood swings, yo). I really hope I don't grow up to become this sort of person.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Kozuri - water ninja story
I recently wrote a bio and story for a character called "Kozuri" who was created by Gameface101 for a card game project called "Thunderdome". Enjoy the read if you have time (which you won't, I know, but try).
Kozuri Bio
Kozuri story
Kozuri Bio
Kozuri story
Foul mood
I'm in that mood where anything anyone says directly or indirectly to me will irrationally aggravate me. Not even like, an annoying sibling talking to me. Maybe said sibling is talking to someone outside, but shouting. Maybe someone is opening my door to put something there. Maybe someone downstairs is calling me. It frustrates me sometimes. Of course, this is highly irrational and it's not something to want.
What isn't as irrational is when a sibling waltz's into your room and starts trying to talk to you and roll on your bed whilst simultaneously learning a dance routine from a kids show from Youtube. It's even worse when the sibling is discussing his/her insecurities such as "being a bad dancer" and "not being able to sing as good as Beyonce" or "I'm not built enough". What's even worse is that the sibling is your senior and is meant to be a fully capable member of society as a legal adult. No, sibling, I don't want to hear what you thought about how ugly you think you look (despite me reassuring them that they look fine many times) while I'm working and listening to music. It somehow makes it more annoying when I hear the voice of my sibling over the music. It manages to add a irritating noise that you are forced to listen to but you try to mute it out.
Please, it's called "personal space". If I want to be solo for a bit, just chill. I have stuff to do, you have stuff to do. Don't come into my room with that track record of yours.
What isn't as irrational is when a sibling waltz's into your room and starts trying to talk to you and roll on your bed whilst simultaneously learning a dance routine from a kids show from Youtube. It's even worse when the sibling is discussing his/her insecurities such as "being a bad dancer" and "not being able to sing as good as Beyonce" or "I'm not built enough". What's even worse is that the sibling is your senior and is meant to be a fully capable member of society as a legal adult. No, sibling, I don't want to hear what you thought about how ugly you think you look (despite me reassuring them that they look fine many times) while I'm working and listening to music. It somehow makes it more annoying when I hear the voice of my sibling over the music. It manages to add a irritating noise that you are forced to listen to but you try to mute it out.
Please, it's called "personal space". If I want to be solo for a bit, just chill. I have stuff to do, you have stuff to do. Don't come into my room with that track record of yours.
Fan girls/boys
I started writing this post a while ago. I think this was during the time where I was in the "I'm so cool and unique, liking K-pop but simultaneously bashing it. I wonder if anyone will ever know true maturity and literature grace like me? I'm so radical, pulling away from liking K-pop. Better get on my level, nubfegs."
But still, that's an exaggeration. Creepy fans are still creepy.
Once you become exposed to an industry that is largely superficial (in particular, the music and film industry), you start to notice fans that take it too far. There are many names for fans like this, including various sub-fan types. However in general, they're called "fangirls" or "fanboys". They indulge in obsessive stalker-esque behaviour, including but not limited to, literally falling in love with the target of fandom, non-stop praising the targeted fandom regardless of its faults, finding out where the target lives (if it's a person) and subscribing to 5+ fanwebsites including (but not limited to) twitter, Facebook, official fansite, unofficial fansites. This might not sound like much, but you have to see it to believe it (putting it colloquially). They type in ALL CAPS and scream about their favourite artist (music industry). Variations of this are in existance, for example: no caps, no punctuation, porr speiling, grammar bad,
And that is where I ended. I never got around to finishing this and the thoughts and feelings illustrated here are from a slightly different person. Y'know, time ages you like cheese and wine until you're a certain age. Then you age like bad wine and turn to vinegar. Thanks Uncle Marcellus.
But still, that's an exaggeration. Creepy fans are still creepy.
Once you become exposed to an industry that is largely superficial (in particular, the music and film industry), you start to notice fans that take it too far. There are many names for fans like this, including various sub-fan types. However in general, they're called "fangirls" or "fanboys". They indulge in obsessive stalker-esque behaviour, including but not limited to, literally falling in love with the target of fandom, non-stop praising the targeted fandom regardless of its faults, finding out where the target lives (if it's a person) and subscribing to 5+ fanwebsites including (but not limited to) twitter, Facebook, official fansite, unofficial fansites. This might not sound like much, but you have to see it to believe it (putting it colloquially). They type in ALL CAPS and scream about their favourite artist (music industry). Variations of this are in existance, for example: no caps, no punctuation, porr speiling, grammar bad,
And that is where I ended. I never got around to finishing this and the thoughts and feelings illustrated here are from a slightly different person. Y'know, time ages you like cheese and wine until you're a certain age. Then you age like bad wine and turn to vinegar. Thanks Uncle Marcellus.
Journal
I recently watched "Watchmen" by Zach Snyder and I figured it was probably a nice time to get back to writing my journal that I started in 2010. This was undoubtedly influenced by Rorschach's journal. Looking back at my initial enthusiastic entries which were each about a page long, I am not surprised that I gave up writing an almost daily essay. This time, I've been writing short entries like the ones in Rorschach's. I think I'll use some of them as blog entries too.
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