Monday, December 9, 2013

Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!

I'm writing this at 1:45 in the morning while this feeling lasts so I can make a decent emotion filled and stupid post without too much effort. This, my friends, is a short article on the feelings of loneliness.

Just as a preface, I wouldn't consider myself to be a overly needy type of person (though other people very well may have opposing opinions). I don't really mind being alone, but being with friends or just any sort of company (whether it be randoms on the street or on the internet) is just so much better that it makes being alone appear negative. To illustrate this point better, if these two states - alone and accompanied - were put on a scale of 10, alone would be approximately 5 and accompanied would be at around 15 (0 being the lowest - something to detest).

I had plenty of experience being alone as a kid. I don't think I actually had any friends until seventh grade (apparently a common thing for boys...) apart from grades 1 to 3. At one point, I recall vividly having a water bottle tied to a string as a friend and I would fondly drag it around as I tottered around the schoolyard (I also remember being quite disappointed when a teacher had me throw it away because "it would be classified as a weapon". Ohhh booiii). This deficit of friends probably wasn't helped by the fact that my school was heavily sports orientated and I played a lot of video games. Basic maths - 1+0 = 1. No one else played PC games. I had no friends. Well, the other reason is that I just wasn't that sociable. I just didn't mind it and existed in my own realm of things until... uh oh....I met some friends.

I'm not really sure what happened, but I know that I'm not overly proud of the years that followed 6th grade. Essentially, I met some friends and became super duper clingy. Maybe you don't understand how clingy I was. Super Duper. SUPER DUPER CLINGY. It was horrendous. Every time I think of those years, I imagine my eyes bleeding out and my liver being eaten by cat made of silly string. Ehhhuuggg..... What's worse is that my "best friend" was a massive bully to me. I didn't really realize it but in 6th grade, I had entered my first "abusive relationship". I'd get abused, maybe cry, definitely feel bad, think about it for ages, decide to ignore it because "he's my friend". Huh, eat shit ya dickless scum. *What? Who said that?* (Ok, to be honest, it's a bad practice to just insult people online just cos they probably won't see it. It's pretty silly.)

At some point, I stopped being this guy's friend and I again, meander off on my own business. But now it was more difficult enjoying being alone. I had just had a good taste of what it felt like to have friends. They were something that cared for you (if things worked out) and you cared for (which is fun....). It's a nice feeling to have friends, I figured. In addition to this (wow, it's 2:06), I had hit puberty and massive rush of hormones triggered my biologically primitive behavior to seek out companions to assist me on my conquests (biologically speaking, females, realistically speaking, nothing). I began to amass my clansmen (HUEHUEHEUEHEUHEUHEH). Friend group seems like a more suitable term.

Yadayadaya moving on...

Anyway the point is, I get to really enjoy having friends. I mean, I would regularly (hmm...almost daily) have 12 hour Skype calls with some friend(s) cuz it's just nice to have someone accompany you. I'm the "alpha" of my friend group (heh, no bragging) but the downside of being the driving force of the group is that you become extraordinarily reliant on these people that you have invested so much effort, time and emotion into. I'm not entirely sure if this is standard, but it's what I've done so....yeah.... I get really used to having company.

Now, this is the shitty 'look I'm a misunderstood teenager part'. Totally understand if you look down upon me with disdain cos to be honest, I don't really know or understand what I'm typing about at the moment.

I'm on a Skype call with some friends. We're having fun, playing some multiplayer games, but it's getting late and it's probably a good idea to sleep.
"XXXxxXXXxxXXXxxxXXXxxxxxxxXXXxxx" (translation: goodnight)
(Disclaimer: I feel like a whiny bitch)
(Second disclaimer: I'd draw you a picture of what I look like as a whiny bitch, but it'd be blank cos in the picture, I'd be hiding because of what a loser I am)
Call ends.
There's no sound of friend's voice or crappy microphone hash.
No contact.
Oh boi, looks like you're alone!
I sit back into my chair in my room which is pitch black bar the light coming from the computer screen.
Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!
Feels like a whole bunch of energy being drawn away from you. A rush of emptiness and then you're like "this sucks". All in a second, you regret the call ending and hope that there was someone there that you could say "hello" to and then receive a response. This all lasts about three minutes. For three minutes, you become one of the greatest poets in the world.

Oh boi. So whiny 

I'm not really sure what to say about the Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack (ASLA). It's a really strange feeling that you know is totally irrational. In general, it's just a feeling of isolation and a hint of sadness mixed with nostalgia. It's like a crappy recipe for noodle soup that you thought of that one time and then it turned out horrible because you beat the egg so much it separated from the water. For the moment, I'm blaming it on the hormones (mood swings, yo). I really hope I don't grow up to become this sort of person.

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