It's a pot for melting

This blog is now just a melting pot for all my random thoughts and/or ideas. I do get the feeling that I'm being too much of a whiny bitch though. Really gotta drink that cup of concrete that I've been holding in my hand and toughen up. Actually, why am I even writing this down? Internet probably preserves better than paper anyway.

Story in progress

I got a new story in progress… a rather different theme from what I've done before. Should be done in a few weeks (owing to upcoming exams).

Attraction ends

Possibly one of the best feelings in the world for a number of human beings (I can't verify the exact number because I haven't exactly gone ahead and interrogated everyone) is the feeling of being "freed" from something. Like in all those prison stories, the protagonist almost always talks about how great it is one he is free or something like that. Maybe that was just Shawshank Redemption....yeah....

In anycase, Blue's first period of attraction is over! Yay! This is the best kind of freedom - being free from something you can't physically free yourself from. Y'know, if you're locked up somewhere, you can kinda force your way out or something (except from prison cos y'know, that's illegal). But when the "trapper" is in your mind, you can't really be free of it just with simple physical effort. You need mental changes. And...this I suppose would classify as a sort of celebratory post of my (most likely) effective overcoming of the first period of attraction. Huzzah! All the best for the future, fellow hormone addled humans! 

Attraction Levels (towards females, that is), again

Yo, busta! I mean, chicken nuggets or something. You gotta keep thinking about what you're got next, so what I HAD next, and what I have now, is the NEW ATTRACTION LEVELS CHART! Aight, so as explained last time, I got a 1-100 scale divided into 4 sections. You may have noticed (or my not have, whateverr, depending on how much/little you care) that this in 1 up from the previous 3 (4 comes after 3, like...1, 2, 3). That means that I'll be implementing a new "bottom tier". I decided to put it at the bottom cos the lower section descriptions of the old one were uhh...I dunno... yeah I'm just gonna put in a bottom level because I can.

Aight so....here we go~ (gahhh I had to copy-paste the HTML table from the original post cos I now suck at HTML)

Categories:	Hot	Pretty	Cute	Personality
Level 1 (1-25):	O.O	o.o	:3	Get to know each other
Level 2 (26-50):	"Dayum!"	*Sigh...*	Awwww!	Talking non-stop
Level 3 (51-75):	"I'd tap 'dat"	Sharing a cake	omg that's cute	REALLY good friends
Level 4 (76-100):	*Writes new chapter in Karma Sutra*	Romantic kiss under midnight fireworks	KAWAII!1! ^_^	I guess you could  get married

Ahhh...it's kinda difficult to think of new names for level 1 cos I don't have the same dumb innocence as I did before. Man this suxxxxxxxxxxx~ I just ended up typing some random junk in. I mean c'mon, 3 of them are emoticons! Though this is kinda smart cos the emoticons are being used for superficial elements. Hmmm... *smug satisfaction* *self-amelioration (not to be confused with self-immolation)*. I think this'll do for now though. Hehehehe, have fun, you doofus!

Re-organisation of "levels of attractiveness (to females)" announcement!

You probably don't remember that the first post I ever made on this glorious blog was something vaguely to do with attractiveness levels in regards to females. Well, now that you know, I'm informing you (dear, wonderful reader) that I'm in the process of reworking that scale to more appropriate graduations! In normal words, this means that I'm putting in more numbers so that I don't have to explain to someone what "level 1.23" is on the "pretty" scale. Ideally, this new scale will be from 1 to 100 and split into four sections. Each section (consisting of 20 (can't math) 25 levels each) will be under one section. Make sense? The section is the word definition of that group of levels and the levels within the group will determine the "severity" (? sounds like a punishment) of the definition. E.G (using the existing system): Victoria is level 25 in the 'cute' category. This means that (using the word definition) Vicky (huehuheheh) is classified as the highest level of "Awwww!". 

Something else I'm also thinking about is if I should change the word definitions of each level... Not sure though. I kinda like how dumb the names are. Hahaha, past me. So stupid. 

Diary!

I've managed to maintain a consistent diary! Celebration! Now...time to keep grinding away at senior studies!

Mega super busy!

Gahhhh!!! So mega super busy!
It's the last year of high-school, so there's a whole lotta pressure to do as well as you can. I mean, pressure on yourself if you're willing to. You can totally just bunk off and not really actually do any of the work, but that's your prerogative. I'm sure I used that incorrectly, but I've been dying to use that line for ages. By ages I mean like...since last week or something.
As usual, I haven't been posting much. I'm pretty occupied with stuff that isn't this blog and I'm sure I'm disappointing ALL my readers out there. Loljk no one reads this. Not even Pawpaws. Hahaha I can dog out pawpaws and they won't even ever know cos they don't read this blog. I can't dog out zillas in case they do...
My most recent craze (in equal craze power to when I was obsessed with BlueJamK and 2NE1) is organisation. Every single day I fill out the entirety of my planner page for the day. Filled to the brim with homework or study I should do for that night. Obviously, I don't actually get it all done, but I do it for 3 reasons:
1. It's my latest craze, c'mon. I'm obviously just going to do it cos I can.
2. It feels like I am accomplishing something.
3. It sets a clear goal for me with no questions about it.

There you go. I'm really just typing whatever comes to mind atm....gahhhh blahblahblah.....~~
Superduper OK!
I know I won't be leaving here with youuuuuuuuuuuuuU~~~~

I just got a wallplanner, which is essentially a calendar in poster form, for the entire year. It's a really cool design that manages to fit the entire year onto one surface, with each of the months occupying only one line. I set about setting it up - filling in due dates, birthdays and such - and then started crossing out past days with a really nice black pen that I found in my bag from a few years back (shame it's running out though). Looking at the wall of black crosses, it kinda dawned on me how short the year looks when you put it all on one page. This kinda brings back old memories like "I wish I could relive grade 7!" and "I wish I went to a co-ed school so I could be not a crazy hawker/beggar around females!" but then you realise, the best thing you can do it do what you can now in the present so it won't happen in the future! Yeah!! Go! You can do it! Fighting! Add oil! Just do it!~~~!!

Anyway..yeah year looks short. But hey! That means life's next great adventures aren't far away!

Ramble ramble burr burr~
I hope there isn't an alien invasion....

Things are better than they seem

Regardless of all the obstacles I've faced in the past unspecified time - ranging from an ongoing lifestyle hampering medical condition and mega-moodiness to somewhat mentally scarring social interactions (in part, no doubt, a side effect of the moodiness) and a pile-up of pressure to succeed in my final year of high school - I find that life is pretty satisfactory. Man, I mean, I'm not gonna say stuff like "things could be worse" cos that's a rather pessimistic view of things, but I think/feel (maybe? huehueheuheue~) there's just other things to focus on. Take hackysack for example. Like many activities, it is repetitive and addictive. Actually...a lot of repetitive things are addictive....jeez...but I digress, hackysack is kicking a little knitted sack of beads around or whatever and surprisingly (or unsurprisingly) it brings me great joy. You go like, one, two, three, waoooohhh sorryyyyyyyyy ya hacky god. Such haxx. Much saxx. Ehh... it doesn't sound that good... whatever. I think (I use this "I think too much, I have to find a better one) that finding new things to do is really a good way to "let go". Too often I'm busy avoiding doing new things and I miss out on all the opportunities that don't just present themselves if you don't actively go and find them. Jeez, drinking oolong tea and playing hackysack is like...god-tier on my list of "bunch of crap to do".

Basically, don't dig yourself into a hole by not finding new things to do. Maybe you might feel satisfied with what you're doing for yourself now, but you'll never know if it's the best if you don't know what else you can do. Ehh that sentence was kinda sucky. Lets try that again. If you don't try anything new because you feel like you're satisfied with what you already do, you'll never know if there are better things that you can do. Ehh....sounds kinda preachy. What about...."Do something new cos you might like it better." I think that's more simple to remember.

BRAIN Y U DO DIS?

GAHH BRAIN~~!! STOP OVER-THINKING THINGS!!!! NOOOOOO~~~ PLZ STAHP BRAYN. IT'S UNHEALTHYYYYYY GAHHNOOOOOOOOOOO~~!!! MONKEY BUTTS! 

Final year of high school

This is my final year of high-school. This is where more than a decade of education has led to. For this year, it feels like the end of a long era of both good and bad times. An era where life was the easiest. An era where life is carefree and relaxed and good friends are easy to come by. Sometimes I wonder, especially after meeting a bunch of new people and really enjoying it (I was a bit of a shut-in in earlier stages, I'm sure), if I have ever wasted too much of my time not fully enjoying myself or trying new things. Also I wonder how much I have changed as a person over the years. Looking back at the first posts I made in BlueJamK and in this blog, I feel a big difference. Maybe a bit moodier? Maybe a bit more mature? I don't know to be honest :p Sometimes I wonder if I'm even the same person, really. I mean...you don't usually notice it, the changes I mean, but once you've recorded fragments of your personality on paper or online, the differences are a lot easier to spot. I don't really worry about this though, regardless of this thinking. It's only natural that I would change over time. 

I think I read/heard about/something that Aristotle (I checked online, ok?? It's Aristotle.) supposedly said (you can't realllyyyy be sure that it was him that said it), “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Ignoring the "excellence" part for now, you are what you repeatedly do. I think this is a very good idea to have in your mind. This way, you can know when you're acting off (you do things that you do in low frequencies) or if you're changing as a person (also, knowing that habit is your personality, you can now know how to and when to change negative things that are growing in your personality). 

I'm not really sure why I added that previous paragraph in....I knew it was going to lead onto something in this paragraph but I went browsing and then lost my train of thought....gahh...

In any case, reflecting on some stuff like "what I've been doing in the last decade" and "lolwutchickenbutt", I've come up with a bit of a list of goals for this year. You know what's good about this list? It's not a "New Year's Resolution" thing, so it has less chance of failure. Hehehehe MASTERPLAN. u no it. u nooooo ittt~~

Aight, the list. Some reasons for some of them as well.

1. Improve my handwriting (I've been meaning to improve it for years, I even read my diary from 3 years ago and I was still going on about it)
2. Maintain a consistent diary (I keep kinda a diary, but it's really all over the place. Some have complete years of gaps between entries. I find keeping a diary is entertaining in the future (also for reflecting on), for instance, I recently spent a portion of a "all nighter" reading my diary to someone.
3. Improve my consistency in personality (I can get moody sometimes or get mood swings that last for a few days, I think this might have to do with my hormones or something. Maybe sleeping late affects my mood...(actually, I'm dead sure it does). This mood thing is alright around my long term friends, but it's really bad for when I'm meeting someone for the first time (like recently))
4. WAHAHAHAHA~
5. Increase my pool of hobbies (I've given up gaming so much and opted for going out more with friends and doing other hobbies in my solo time. Dancing is fun.)
6. Get mad sick at dancing (Dancing is fun)
7. Get sick mad at dancing (Dancing is fun)
8. Think about how mad and sick I'll actually become
9. Go to karaoke 
10. Find a way to accurately complete this list (I think I have more to write here, but I can't think of all the things I want to do right now. But this will do for now)

Yay~!

Complete the final year with confidence! 

And I'm a genius

I'm the most modest person I know, not bragging or anything. 2/2 in problem solving! HEHEHE YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME.

THE CLUES AREN'T THERE AGADASFDSFDAF

Hmmm....someone said something about me promising to write something after the zombie apocolypse and what I had for breakfast....

Understanding?

I think it was some time ago when someone I know announced to me that "It's impossible to ever truly understand someone." If I recall correctly, I spent the next ten minutes debating whether or not that was completely true. The only response I got, frustratingly, was "You either get it, or you don't." I guess I didn't get it. At the time, it seemed so....bleak...so lonely. How is it that you will never "truly" understand someone? Eh.
Fast forwards a while and I land where I am today. Maybe today I'm feeling extra hormonal or adolescent but I think I'm beginning to understand...But then again, why do I want to understand such a pessimistic thought? I'm not really sure of my motivation is or..was? Whatever...

"Understanding" in this case also depends on your definition of the phrase "It's impossible to ever truly understand someone." However I deduct that, due to the context of the phrase, it means to uhh... understand someone's feelings? Maybe. You could say that it could be applied to ways of thinking or something, but those tend to be more easily explained through words. Feelings and by extension, sensations are more difficult to explain. I think it's easier to explain the sensations. You can't see exactly what other people see, can't hear as other people hear. Perhaps in the future someone will develop technology that allows one to use another person's sensory systems, but for now I suppose its a limitation that acts as a wall or uhh "truly understanding someone". But then again, the idea that you must completely embody someone else is taking the whole idea a bit far. Except maybe for people with disabilities such as colour blindness. Sure you can present an image that simulates what a colour blind person may see, but I won't know for sure or exactly how they see until I have the condition myself. But still, the idea of having to hijack someone's sensory system to uhh... understand them...seems a bit whack.
I have the impression that I'm being incredibly stupid at the moment, but I suppose everyone thinks stupid things once in a while, it's just I'm writing them down.

As for feelings...well...it's more difficult to explain such instinctive parts of human nature. For one thing, many people will have experienced this before I'm sure, sometimes it's difficult to explain to someone how you're feeling. You have basic emotions like happy, sad, angry, etc. But then more complex mixes such as melancholy, depression (especially...people with depression often describe it as "everything is black", something that is undoubtedly a foreign perspective to those who have not had depression) and nostalgia that are somewhat like mixes of emotions...like colours on a colour wheel. Many times it's difficult to put an emotion into words. I've tried it before and either because the subject is too difficult or my English ability is lacking, there never seems to be enough words to describe it. You can keep going and going, but the point never really seems to cross. Maybe someone reading it may say "Yeah I get it" but then you really doubt that they're understanding it from your perspective. Perhaps...

After writing this, I feel further from understanding "It's impossible to ever truly understand someone." than when I first had the conviction to get started. I guess that with enough scrutiny, almost anything will collapse. I suppose that's what separates good and bad philosophies, if indeed this can be called a philosophy. What's this? Am I now insulting the integrity of the phrase "It's impossible to ever truly understand someone."? I'm not sure.  I think the fundamental reason that I have difficulty understanding that phrase is that I'm not sure which angle to take it from. Does one mean "understanding how a person feels" or do they mean "understanding someone's logic"?

I realise that I've now completed a full circle in my ramblings. Is it possible that the end goal is closer to the start than I think? Or maybe I'm just is an interesting mood from recent happenings.... I'm not quite sure how to end this piece of writing so I guess I'll just say that I've enjoyed reflecting on my thoughts, though I may not have gone far from my initial pondering. Have I actually learned anything? I think that I might have progressed in understanding... 

The Worst Feeling

One of the worst feelings I've ever experienced is when I give a friend a link to my blog and then read my blog for myself. I start to see posts that I've written with that friend in mind and it gets super awkward for me, although generally the friend will never notice.

Ohh noooo

Things I hope:

1. I'm not becoming a douchebag
2. I'm not becoming too emotional
3. I'm not being super mood-swingy
4. I'm being rational
5. My friends don't thing too poorly of me
6. My friends like me as much as their behaviour may suggest
7. My friends don't think I'm any of points 1 to 3
8. I become wiser.
9. I stop sounding so corny.
1. Really.

Metacognition

It's pretty irksome and amusing when I have a sudden urge to type out some stuff about feelings, but then simultaneously understand how silly/trivial it is. Go Me!

Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!

I'm writing this at 1:45 in the morning while this feeling lasts so I can make a decent emotion filled and stupid post without too much effort. This, my friends, is a short article on the feelings of loneliness.

Just as a preface, I wouldn't consider myself to be a overly needy type of person (though other people very well may have opposing opinions). I don't really mind being alone, but being with friends or just any sort of company (whether it be randoms on the street or on the internet) is just so much better that it makes being alone appear negative. To illustrate this point better, if these two states - alone and accompanied - were put on a scale of 10, alone would be approximately 5 and accompanied would be at around 15 (0 being the lowest - something to detest).

I had plenty of experience being alone as a kid. I don't think I actually had any friends until seventh grade (apparently a common thing for boys...) apart from grades 1 to 3. At one point, I recall vividly having a water bottle tied to a string as a friend and I would fondly drag it around as I tottered around the schoolyard (I also remember being quite disappointed when a teacher had me throw it away because "it would be classified as a weapon". Ohhh booiii). This deficit of friends probably wasn't helped by the fact that my school was heavily sports orientated and I played a lot of video games. Basic maths - 1+0 = 1. No one else played PC games. I had no friends. Well, the other reason is that I just wasn't that sociable. I just didn't mind it and existed in my own realm of things until... uh oh....I met some friends.

I'm not really sure what happened, but I know that I'm not overly proud of the years that followed 6th grade. Essentially, I met some friends and became super duper clingy. Maybe you don't understand how clingy I was. Super Duper. SUPER DUPER CLINGY. It was horrendous. Every time I think of those years, I imagine my eyes bleeding out and my liver being eaten by cat made of silly string. Ehhhuuggg..... What's worse is that my "best friend" was a massive bully to me. I didn't really realize it but in 6th grade, I had entered my first "abusive relationship". I'd get abused, maybe cry, definitely feel bad, think about it for ages, decide to ignore it because "he's my friend". Huh, eat shit ya dickless scum. *What? Who said that?* (Ok, to be honest, it's a bad practice to just insult people online just cos they probably won't see it. It's pretty silly.)

At some point, I stopped being this guy's friend and I again, meander off on my own business. But now it was more difficult enjoying being alone. I had just had a good taste of what it felt like to have friends. They were something that cared for you (if things worked out) and you cared for (which is fun....). It's a nice feeling to have friends, I figured. In addition to this (wow, it's 2:06), I had hit puberty and massive rush of hormones triggered my biologically primitive behavior to seek out companions to assist me on my conquests (biologically speaking, females, realistically speaking, nothing). I began to amass my clansmen (HUEHUEHEUEHEUHEUHEH). Friend group seems like a more suitable term.

Yadayadaya moving on...

Anyway the point is, I get to really enjoy having friends. I mean, I would regularly (hmm...almost daily) have 12 hour Skype calls with some friend(s) cuz it's just nice to have someone accompany you. I'm the "alpha" of my friend group (heh, no bragging) but the downside of being the driving force of the group is that you become extraordinarily reliant on these people that you have invested so much effort, time and emotion into. I'm not entirely sure if this is standard, but it's what I've done so....yeah.... I get really used to having company.

Now, this is the shitty 'look I'm a misunderstood teenager part'. Totally understand if you look down upon me with disdain cos to be honest, I don't really know or understand what I'm typing about at the moment.

I'm on a Skype call with some friends. We're having fun, playing some multiplayer games, but it's getting late and it's probably a good idea to sleep.
"Goodnight~!"
"Night!"
"XXXxxXXXxxXXXxxxXXXxxxxxxxXXXxxx" (translation: goodnight)
(Disclaimer: I feel like a whiny bitch)
(Second disclaimer: I'd draw you a picture of what I look like as a whiny bitch, but it'd be blank cos in the picture, I'd be hiding because of what a loser I am)
Boop-
Call ends.
There's no sound of friend's voice or crappy microphone hash.
No contact.
Oh boi, looks like you're alone!
I sit back into my chair in my room which is pitch black bar the light coming from the computer screen.
Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack~!
Feels like a whole bunch of energy being drawn away from you. A rush of emptiness and then you're like "this sucks". All in a second, you regret the call ending and hope that there was someone there that you could say "hello" to and then receive a response. This all lasts about three minutes. For three minutes, you become one of the greatest poets in the world.

Oh boi. So whiny 

I'm not really sure what to say about the Annoying Sudden Loneliness Attack (ASLA). It's a really strange feeling that you know is totally irrational. In general, it's just a feeling of isolation and a hint of sadness mixed with nostalgia. It's like a crappy recipe for noodle soup that you thought of that one time and then it turned out horrible because you beat the egg so much it separated from the water. For the moment, I'm blaming it on the hormones (mood swings, yo). I really hope I don't grow up to become this sort of person.

Good Ideas

How about I do my assignment the night before it's due?

Kozuri - water ninja story

I recently wrote a bio and story for a character called "Kozuri" who was created by Gameface101 for a card game project called "Thunderdome". Enjoy the read if you have time (which you won't, I know, but try).

Kozuri Bio
Kozuri story

Foul mood

I'm in that mood where anything anyone says directly or indirectly to me will irrationally aggravate me. Not even like, an annoying sibling talking to me. Maybe said sibling is talking to someone outside, but shouting. Maybe someone is opening my door to put something there. Maybe someone downstairs is calling me. It frustrates me sometimes. Of course, this is highly irrational and it's not something to want.
What isn't as irrational is when a sibling waltz's into your room and starts trying to talk to you and roll on your bed whilst simultaneously learning a dance routine from a kids show from Youtube. It's even worse when the sibling is discussing his/her insecurities such as "being a bad dancer" and "not being able to sing as good as Beyonce" or "I'm not built enough". What's even worse is that the sibling is your senior and is meant to be a fully capable member of society as a legal adult. No, sibling, I don't want to hear what you thought about how ugly you think you look (despite me reassuring them that they look fine many times) while I'm working and listening to music. It somehow makes it more annoying when I hear the voice of my sibling over the music. It manages to add a irritating noise that you are forced to listen to but you try to mute it out.
Please, it's called "personal space". If I want to be solo for a bit, just chill. I have stuff to do, you have stuff to do. Don't come into my room with that track record of yours.

Fan girls/boys

 I started writing this post a while ago. I think this was during the time where I was in the "I'm so cool and unique, liking K-pop but simultaneously bashing it. I wonder if anyone will ever know true maturity and literature grace like me? I'm so radical, pulling away from liking K-pop. Better get on my level, nubfegs."
But still, that's an exaggeration. Creepy fans are still creepy.

Once you become exposed to an industry that is largely superficial (in particular, the music and film industry), you start to notice fans that take it too far. There are many names for fans like this, including various sub-fan types. However in general, they're called "fangirls" or "fanboys". They indulge in obsessive stalker-esque behaviour, including but not limited to, literally falling in love with the target of fandom, non-stop praising the targeted fandom regardless of its faults, finding out where the target lives (if it's a person) and subscribing to 5+ fanwebsites including (but not limited to) twitter, Facebook, official fansite, unofficial fansites. This might not sound like much, but you have to see it to believe it (putting it colloquially). They type in ALL CAPS and scream about their favourite artist (music industry). Variations of this are in existance, for example: no caps, no punctuation, porr speiling, grammar bad,


And that is where I ended. I never got around to finishing this and the thoughts and feelings illustrated here are from a slightly different person. Y'know, time ages you like cheese and wine until you're a certain age. Then you age like bad wine and turn to vinegar. Thanks Uncle Marcellus.